10 things Nollywood has taught me

Today, Nollywoodhastaughtme is trending worldwide on Twitter. It was No 4 thirty minutes ago. Here are 10 lessons that Nollywoodhastaughtme. Add yours in the comments and follow me on Twitter @chocberry.

1. Nollywoodhastaughtme that it is unfair to discriminate against the blind, if you can’t see there’s no reason why you can’t watch via the sound track.

2. Nollywoodhastaughtme that the middle class doesn’t make for exciting film making, people are either very rich or very poor, or inevitably hurtling to either extreme.

3. Nollywoodhastaughtme that while in their homes, real people are never in a state of undress, looking dishevelled or just browsing on the internet. They must be either going or coming or having a meeting. 

4. Nollywoodhastaughtme that you should never stand in your parlour and talk. As a wife, you must sit on the farthest side of the couch from your husband and interview your prospective riff-raff son in law who is at the farthest end of the room. And yes, you must wear your gele and have your arms in your lap.

5. Nollywoodhastaughtme that rich people never eat food from plates while sitting on their couch and watching TV, only poor men do that and they always eat ‘swallow’,  all rich people eating is done at an imposing glass dining table with matching plates.

6. Nollywoodhastaught me that a two year courtship is equivalent to a five minute race along the beach.

7. Nollywoodhastaughtme that nothing happens by mistake. If Patience Ozokwor shows up, someone is going to die.

8. Nollywoodhastaughtme that a piano thump is a substitute for artfully built up suspense, just like ten- years- after in cursive font covers a multitude of sins.

9. Nollywoodhastaught me that child actors must look like they’ll rather be anywhere else.

10. Nollywoodhastaught me that pastors are complicit in making a faithful wife stay and  endure her husband’s extreme philandering and eventual spousal abuse. She is always praying while he is getting his groove on!

And a quick one to crack your belly culled from Twitter, Nollywoodhastaughtme that it is possible to skpe through a calabash!