Thursday, August 4, 2011

10 things Nollywood has taught me


Today, Nollywoodhastaughtme is trending worldwide on Twitter. It was No 4 thirty minutes ago. Here are 10 lessons that Nollywoodhastaughtme. Add yours in the comments and follow me on Twitter @chocberry.


1. Nollywoodhastaughtme that it is unfair to discriminate against the blind, if you can’t see there’s no reason why you can’t watch via the sound track.

2. Nollywoodhastaughtme that the middle class doesn’t make for exciting film making, people are either very rich or very poor, or inevitably hurtling to either extreme.
3. Nollywoodhastaughtme that while in their homes, real people are never in a state of undress, looking dishevelled or just browsing on the internet. They must be either going or coming or having a meeting. 
4. Nollywoodhastaughtme that you should never stand in your parlour and talk. As a wife, you must sit on the farthest side of the couch from your husband and interview your prospective riff-raff son in law who is at the farthest end of the room. And yes, you must wear your gele and have your arms in your lap.
5. Nollywoodhastaughtme that rich people never eat food from plates while sitting on their couch and watching TV, only poor men do that and they always eat ‘swallow’,  all rich people eating is done at an imposing glass dining table with matching plates.
6. Nollywoodhastaught me that a two year courtship is equivalent to a five minute race along the beach.
7. Nollywoodhastaughtme that nothing happens by mistake. If Patience Ozokwor shows up, someone is going to die.
8. Nollywoodhastaughtme that a piano thump is a substitute for artfully built up suspense, just like ten- years- after in cursive font covers a multitude of sins.
9. Nollywoodhastaught me that child actors must look like they’ll rather be anywhere else.
10. Nollywoodhastaught me that pastors are complicit in making a faithful wife stay and  endure her husband’s extreme philandering and eventual spousal abuse. She is always praying while he is getting his groove on!

And a quick one to crack your belly culled from Twitter, Nollywoodhastaughtme that it is possible to skpe through a calabash!

22 comments:

  1. Oh Looooolllll. Unfortunately, I am not a fan of Nollywood. Cos they wasted a lot of my precious time in the past and I have still not forgiven them

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  2. I was laughing out loud reading this. The best one is '...when Patience Ozokwor shows up, somebody is going to die.'

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  3. This is really crazy, funny talk. You have me laughing! I thought you were going to actually leave me some top tips!!! Imagine...2yr courtship = 5mins race along the beach!

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  5. lwkmd o! my boss just caught me laughing o! but ur sooo right.
    i dont get y nollywood rich pple must always "cach-up" all d time. U'll c pple wearing heels just lounging in d living room. nollywood no go kill pesin

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  6. Lwtmb ooo...Nollywood has taught me that all genres of movies..romance, drama, horror, action..ends with GLORY BE TO GOD

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  7. lol. Courtship in Nollywood is going shopping and going to get ice-cream.

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  8. lol...skyping through a calabash indeed, lol...

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  9. #rolling on the floor with laughter#///gbam! i tire for my pipo shaaa!..oops my battery..would come back.

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  10. Them always looking well grooomed while at home is so unrealistic! with heela, jewelries, head gears and expensive lace...an average 9ja???.. yes, no middle class o!>...hahahahaha

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  11. This is very funny, I must admit. Been a while since I've seen Nollywood movies though...

    - LDP

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  12. I can't stop laughing at this post, you got it so right, Naija movies never cease to amaze me.lol

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  13. Nollywoodhastaughtme that a flash back must always start with the character putting on a faraway look....haba!

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  14. I love Nollywood :) x

    http://lolitasfashionideas.blogspot.com/

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  15. This is tooooo funny!!! I will love Nollywood films forever! :)

    That GOOD GOOD Blog

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  16. ok.i'm back. read this earlier but couldn't remember anything nollywood has taught me outside of what you've written. was just watching girl's cot and an eureka moment came while watching one of the scenes. nollywood has taught me that you can wine and dine with dignitaries in a classy setting while wearing dunlop high slippers.lol.

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  17. buhahaha... Okay Nollywood has thought me erm??? Patience Ozokwu don teach me the meaning of Bad Mother Inlaw..lol

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  18. Nollywoood has taught me that Corps members are always fully kitted- crested vest, boots, jacket and to top it all the head dress...so unrealistic.

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  19. Nollywood has taught me u can go to bed with makeup and still wake up with makeup

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    Replies
    1. true talk.and dey call it natural beauty lwtmb jare

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  20. Nollywood has taught me that you don't have to switch off your television after a breakijng news, it will switch off itself

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  21. nollywood never seems to amaze me...they make u feel love truly exist between a rich man pikin and poor man pikin and get a female viewer dreaming of a king proposing to her...ldtmb..no time

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